This evening I was one of the chosen few lucky enough to experience in person one of this century's greatest cultural phenomenons: The Jerry Springer Show.
Some of my friends and I went to a taping of The Jerry Springer Show at the NBC Studios. Because we were audience "VIP"s (thanks to the law school's LSA!), we sat front and center. Yes, front and center, within seeing distance of the guests' acne, in the same row as -- one seat away from -- (Darlyn sat next to him!) STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!, and, yes, smack in the red-hot danger zone for flying elbows and hair pulls.
There was no title to today's show (yet), but if I were to guess, it'd be something like "Surprise! We're Getting Married NOW!" Okay, so that's a craptastic title and the Jerry producers will likely come up with something salaciously spectacular that involves sex or sex changes or both, but I'm bad at that stuff. Let's just say that, in the tradition of our law school, "the title doesn't matter." The important stuff -- i.e. fights, nakedness, hair pulling, Steve, and a whole bunch more messed up stuff -- was all there.
We even got a bonus where they shot a Pay-Per-View segment. That was wild. Flat out nudity and Tony (the audience coach) prompting the guests to swear more.
Are you wondering where they fix a microphone on a naked person? Those guys-in-black-Jerry-Springer-shirts are ingenious -- they hung the microphones off of the women's necklaces. Crazy, huh?
Anyway, it's a little too much to process right now, so here's the rapid-fire roundup:
Naked boobs: Estimated at twelve pairs, give or take a couple.
Bare asses: Six? Maybe?
Penises I averted my eyes from seeing: Two.
Completely nude women: Two.
Fights by completely nude women: Three? Maybe four?
"Marriages" it took for "reverend" to be shirtless: Two.
Transsexual revelations: One.
Lesbian revelations: One.
Times I chanted (at Tony's prompt) for someone to "Take Off Your Top/Pants/Panties!!!": At least four. Maybe five.
Fights: Lost count.
Fights that almost landed in our laps: Three.
Times the camera was literally in my face: Two.
Pole dances: Two.
Pole dances by audience members: One.